Spite Club
My motivation to succeed in things is based on negative reactions and trying to change that is hard as fuck.
Therapeutic breakthroughs — for me — are always met with a resounding deflation. Rationally, I understand that what I’m doing is the best thing because it’ll help me stop bad behaviors. However, I’m also the type of person who is hard on themselves when they can’t do something, I short circuit because I have a personal expectation to be good at something immediately. Why? Because my motivation to succeed is based on “fuck you, I can.” And why is that? Well, that’s a book in itself, but it boils down to having a family whose support I can describe as “non-existent” at worst and “total ambivalence” at best. To wit, when I was in college, I heard my uncle tell my grandpa (in Tagalog, but the guy forgot that I understand/speak the language), that “Ryan thinks he’s better than us because he’s in school.” I can’t think of ever how to flaunt my education as if I were some shitbag Rhodes Scholar who wore the mask of a Brown Max Fischer. That is just one example of many where I felt alone and my way of running towards success was to do so quickly with both middle fingers up, because clearly, the family didn’t believe in me.
The downside to this is much worse, though. When you grow up knowing that your family takes your desire for education as arrogance, you start becoming paranoid and, therefore, cut yourself off from everyone.
“Who knows what they’re saying or thinking,” I’d think to myself. “So fuck them all, I’ll do my thing alone.”
And just like that, isolating myself, easily ending relationships, and the process to get to know me became an Olympic sport.
Another terrible result is the aforementioned expectation that I’ll master things immediately. This, of course, is a foolish belief. You obviously have to fail in order to learn, to excel, to challenge yourself — to evolve. But I was a short-sighted person, so I didn’t see that. Whether it was DJ battles, or writing, or videography, I had to be THEE FUCKING BEST™ or, as I noted above, I would short circuit and take out all hard feelings on myself. It’s not healthy, especially when you already suffer from debilitating depression and anxiety.
Lately, these behaviors have continued to rear their ugly heads because trying to undo years of learned reactions is hard as fuck. It sucks because I’m trying to get better at sharing myself and so when people compliment photos or remixes, it’s hard for me to accept because I’ve spent most of my life living in a world that is “me versus all.” The paranoia sets in a little and I wonder, “They said something nice, what do they want?" Instead of the actual reality, which is they might like whatever it is I’m doing.
All this is to say that my dumb Brown butt is trying, but fighting with your natural instincts is a losing battle sometimes. As I told someone the other day, I’m the car in the bonus level of Street Fighter II and Ken is beating the ever loving shit out of me. Fingers crossed that the controls will get stuck or he’ll run out of time. Better yet, I could be Ken (though I prefer using Ryu) and the car could be my brain’s bad thoughts.
Lastly, I’ve taken to developing my own black and white film. Something I haven’t done since high school. Trying to relearn how to do this is difficult, but I’m going to share some of the photos that have come out because, fuck it, they’re not doing any good just sitting on my hard drive. Some of them actually look damn cool, despite obvious developing flaws on my part. Thanks for reading my Ted Talk.
